The sun glared through the window as I contemplated getting out of bed. My thoughts roamed to another time. A distant place. In retrospect, it was a brief moment in history. Moments that are now memories, like vapors in the air. They existed for a short expanse and they are forever gone. My misty eyes became a fountain. Tears of sadness, regret, joy, fulfillment, gain, loss, salvation and demise are all wrapped up in this juncture.
Twenty-four years, eight children, three states and two countries later, here I lie. Soaked in the river of my sobs, I finally see. My blinders are removed, the mask is no more. It’s just me. Raw. True. Me.
My body aches. My head throbs. Life happened too fast.
I pulled my aching body out of bed. Life must go on. I hurried to shower and to dress. I promised to babysit today.
Later, I sat on my sofa and held my friend’s grandson. I’ll be a grandmother sometime too. Life happened too quickly.
Once the baby was asleep and each of my own children were executing their duties for the day, I sat. I pondered. I thanked God. It hasn’t been easy. Life has been mysterious. This unending supernatural ride and magical journey has been intense.
The hard brought on the easy. The monotony of “easy” only caused me to dig deeper. It evoked in me a search for further distances. It incited a deep curiosity within that seemed too difficult to satisfy.
The baby’s grandma sent me a text, “I’m coming to see him when I get off work.” His grandpa stopped by in the middle of his work day, “Let me hold him.” He cradled the sweet creation to his chest. I remember when that grandpa held his own babies that way. His grandma and grandpa love him. Oh God! He is loved.
I started out my life with plans. My main goal was to please God at all times. I messed that one up time after time. I purposed to be an amazing wife. I got that one wrong too. And oh…I would be the best mom ever! Well, I guess you figured out the answer to that one as well.
Twenty-four years of marriage, eight kids, three states and two countries under my belt and I’m tired. Why shouldn’t I be? I worked hard at pursuing my goals. Though I now realize that my pursuit was in vain.
Hear me out! I’m not depressed. I’m not regretful. I’m not angry. I’m just real.
The simple, plain in my face truth is that I tried too hard. I put so much effort into a system that was designed for my failure. This man made arrangement was never God’s intent.
The baby began to cry, so I dropped what I was doing to hold him. My current activity did not mean as much to me as this baby in this moment knowing for sure that I love him. You see, this is my friend’s grand baby. This friend and I carried our babies at the same time. We fumbled through our newlywed days together.
This friendship is deep. She knows my secrets. I only have a few friends like her. I cherish them. I cherish her. I cherish her grand baby. The sacred reality of an assurance of love passed down through time exists right here, right now. As I comfort this precious creature that connects me to yesterday, I can only be assured of one thing. God loves me.
Through all of my wanderings, questioning, doubt, fear and sin, He loved me. Through every achievement, victory, smile, triumph and great deed-He loved me.
When I whimpered like a baby. When I got it all right. When I respected my husband and when I was flippant, God loved me. He loved me.
The baby’s mom arrived early to pick him up, “They let me off earlier than I expected,” she proclaimed with a smile. She snuggled the product of her love and said, “I don’t want to go back to work.” Love made her say that. My girls showed her pictures of us all holding hm throughout the day. He was loved.
Love reigned all around us. Love epitomized our beings. Love superseded our differences of opinion. You can’t have any type of relationship for over twenty years and never disagree.
Love super sized our belief in one another. We knew one another in the beginning. We know where we are today. We know what it took to get here.
Love became the overarching thought of the day. Love beats all. Love never fails. That means that love always works.
Through the good and the bad. When my face is made up and when its full of tears, love wins.
Now I understand why the virtuous woman smiles at her future. She also understood that it wasn’t about her. She realized that God loved her and His love would carry her throughout the next twenty four years of life.
God is the Person of Love and if that Person invades and abides in me, I too can love. My formulas failed anyway. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted by my own techniques. How about me allowing Love to lead my way-everyday?
The ability to rely on Love at all costs is extremely risky. Love with arms wide open often times experiences painful blows. But you know, Christ’s love got knocked all the way down. Yet, It rose! Love is so full of energy that it just can’t stay down. Love resurrects dead dreams and resuscitates hopeless hearts.
Love got me here. It wasn’t my formula. It wasn’t my ability to get each step right. It wasn’t my strength. It most definitely wasn’t my faith because only God knows that I lack in that area too!
It was Love! It was the Person of Love. For God is Love. For God so loved me. Yes, it was Him. It is Him. He has been my breath all along. He has been my provision all along. He has been my healer all along. He has been my strength, my impetus for success, my drive, my friend, my everything. It’s been Him!
The baby has been long gone. He’s back at home with his mom and dad loving on him. My husband is on the soccer field watching our little girl practice. I’m sitting in the car as the drizzle begins and I’m convinced that the years to come will be amazing!
Oh, they will be filled with curves and straight lines, mountains and valleys, happiness and sadness, disappointment and relief, triumph and failure; because that’s life. But I know without a shadow of doubt that it will be filled with love.
The Person of Love is riding this out with me. I’ll be ok. I’ve simply learned to determine my blessings based upon the One who blesses me. Not my circumstances.
So as the child soccer stars gleefully kick their balls in wonder across the field and the proud dad gazes at the product of his Love; I stand assured that the Person of Love consumes them as well. I glance down the field and see my man. Twenty four years and counting. Love got us this far, we won’t be turning back.
Onward we go with the Person of Love holding us together and binding our hearts more and more each day. Love is with us, Love is in us, Love made us, Love kept us and Love is who we are.